Days of Old, Long Since
by Michigander in Oz
Summary: Short story of Sian's return, seven years on. Sian is forced to return by the death of her father. She must confront her past, her feelings, and her future, knowing she is "her father's daughter."
1. Chapter 1

Days of Old, Long Since

It had been just your routine bolt out of the blue. Impersonal, but striking to the bone. A text message from her mother: "Your father is dead. You must do the arrangements, as his only remaining relative. I'll send you 300 quid." That's it. No explanation, no expression of grief or sympathy. Nada.

"Thanks Mom." Sian had thought. "I'm 1500 miles away, and poor as a church mouse in winter. I haven't even spoken with the man in 5 years. I suppose that still puts me closer than you. You were smart to dump him, but I couldn't dump my own father."

How she despised and loved the man, all at the same time. Always trying to control her, always vicious with sarcasm, yet simultaneously showing his intimate affection by these very actions. He couldn't control his own life, however, drowning in a sea of ethanol and self loathing. Died in a bar fight. Pitiful, really. Maybe she could have been a better daughter, but he made it so difficult! Yet his entire life was a struggle, never achieving any of his dreams, never rising to become anything more than a ridiculous drunk. His ambitions were ever thwarted by either bad luck, or his own angry character. She was clearly his crowning achievement, a gorgeous daughter he could show off to any and all: "Look what I've done! I've created this blonde beauty, this work of human art!" So when she came out as a lesbian, the man's greatest accomplishment, his Magnum Opus, disappeared in a blast of homophobic rage. That was the end, between them. When she moved on to Tangier, he stopped responding even to her text messages. Of course, she found out later it was because he could no longer afford a mobile phone.

So now she was on her way back to Weatherfield. She managed to get in touch with her old pastor , the one who at first couldn't accept her sexuality, in order to arrange the funeral. His faith was undoubtedly tested by Sian's life, but she liked to believe that he came to a better understanding of Jesus when he was forced to compare his received beliefs with the real life girl in front of him. Regardless, he had made all of the funeral arrangements for her, allowing for her very tight budget. No gold handled casket here, no burial plot, no flowers, no choir. Well, it doesn't really matter if you're stuck in a pine box then burnt to fly ash once you've gone. You'll never notice the accommodations.

Sian worried that She would be attending. The funeral wasn't listed in the newspaper, and her dad didn't have any friends to speak of. Still, it was a small town, and word of this kind of thing gets around. Not all that many fatal bar fights, so the gossip chain probably sang with a mighty ringing sound. Best thing to do is get in, do the funeral, talk to the legal folks, then get out of town fast. This should avoid Her if at all possible. If all went as planned, the only one who would know she had been back would be the pastor. Sian doubted if there would be any other actual mourners at the service, especially not Her, Sian's old lover. No one was really sad that her father was dead.

Not even Sian.

The day of the funeral was gray and cold, as one expects from these things. Sian had been right. The only people at the service were her, the pastor, and the night janitor who stayed a few hours late "because everybody deserves to be remembered, at least a little." Bless his heart. Her mother hadn't come, as Sian figured, given the way the death had been transmitted. The pastor gave what could only be considered a generic eulogy, since her father's most memorable characteristics were none too pleasant. Bland eulogy, bland service, nothing to remember him by. Just as well.

After the service there was a brief trip to the lawyer's office, the one hired by the council. Her father had no assets to dispose of, and relatively few debts. He had run up a considerable bar tab at the place at which he was killed, but the owner just wanted the whole thing done with so as not to create any more bad publicity. Sian wondered whether the publicity would actually have improved his business, given the low-lifes who frequented the place. Not Sian's problem.

After it all had been put to rest, Sian headed towards her father's rented room. She'd stay the night there, then settle final accounts with the landlord the next day and head home. When she got there however, big problem. The place she had assumed he still lived, where indeed she had lived during school for a time, was not his home. Indeed, it had not been his home for several years.

"As far as I know," the landlord told her, "he didn't have a home. Lived on the street, or in shelters last I heard."

Perfect. Sian had the plane ticket home, and enough bus money to get to the airport, but literally not another penny. Well, maybe she could find someone who would let her sleep on their couch. She headed for The Rovers, the local pub where everyone who was "decent" hung out. She couldn't buy any food, but they usually didn't kick people out who weren't causing trouble.

Once there and comfortably seated, she began scouting out the clientele. It was a classic English neighborhood pub, with conversation bubbling all around. She didn't recognize a soul. Seven years she'd been gone. She had been young for the place before, and not exactly a regular, but she didn't think the neighborhood would have changed that much. It had never seemed to change at all when she lived in the area.

Oh no, worst possible luck. Sally, the mother of That Bitch, came in. And of course noticed her right away.

"Sian Powers! How nice to see you! It's been absolutely ages! Last I heard, you were living the high life down in Tangiers. What could possibly bring you back here on such a dismal day?"

"My father died. The funeral was today, and I'm on my way back after settling things. I just thought I'd stop by here to see if there was any of the old crowd around. Not many, not many."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. So sorry for your loss. I knew your father quite well; actually a little too well at times. Did your mother come as well?"

"No, just me."

"So where are you staying?"

"Erm, that's a bit of a problem. I had planned to stay at my dad's place, only I find out today that his place was a cardboard box in a back alley. I'll probably have to sleep at the bus station."

"Nonsense! Rosie hasn't been back in ages—you can sleep in her room tonight. I'll fix breakfast in the morning, just like old times. We can spend the evening catching up. I'm so excited to hear what you've been doing, what adventures you've been having."

"Well, that's kind of a problem, too," Sian replied. "I don't really want to see Her if I can help it."

"That won't be an issue for you, dear. Sophie has gone on some kind of mission trip and won't be back until next week at the earliest. You can have the whole house to yourself after I leave for work in the morning."

"I really don't think I should, Sally, given our history and all."

"Don't be ridiculous," Sally stated, as warmly as she was capable of. "I'll not have you sleeping in some bus station when I have a comfy spot for you right here. Now come on, grab your things, we're going home."

Sally's home certainly brought out mixed emotions. It had been Sian's home for two years, and the memories elicited by everyday objects were bittersweet. Same ugly throw cover on the sofa, same ladder-like twisting stairwell. Same room upstairs. Same tiny bathroom. Sian had felt secure and loved in this place, for truly the only time in her life.

Here was the door to Her room also. The first place Sian had ever kissed a girl. The first place she had ever made love to a girl. And oh, how she had loved Sophie, as only a teenager could. Sian remembered Her passionate kisses, Her gentle touch, Her tentative explorations. They had learned together how to please each other. Overcoming fear was the hardest part; but once the initial mountain was climbed the world looked entirely different from the new heights. With Sophie, she didn't have to feel the submissiveness of some person invading her body to use for the other's pleasure. With Sophie, there was no fear of finding out next week that the stick had turned blue, of knowing life would be changed forever by one night's passion. With Sophie, there was no rush to the climax, just the enjoyment of the journey.

Sian had to face it: her time here with Sophie had been the best of her life, a two year idyll before the plunge into adulthood. That plunge had been horrible, scarring. On what should have been the happiest day of Sian's life, the erstwhile wedding, Sian had been betrayed and humiliated in front of all of her friends and relatives. Literally left at the altar, after having made her own half of the commitment for life to Sophie. Sian hadn't poked this wound for years. It had scarred over at last, an emotional fibrosis which would never resolve, but now at least it would not induce agony when accidentally bumped.

Life after the wedding catastrophe was a slow circling of the drain to oblivion. At first, things had jumped up to a new high. A move to Tangier to be with her mother evolved to a new love, with Chloe Sarkisian. Sian realized now that this had simply been a rebound thing, a grasp for any floating object while drowning in a sea of turbulent emotion. Chloe was a blast, more fun than Christian Sophie had ever been. Parties, nightclubs, living the high life. Chloe could make walking down the street into a fiesta.

Until that fiesta started to include cocaine. Chloe had introduced it to Sian, saying it would make the party last longer. This was like giving chocolate to a diabetic. Sian had gone from straight laced school girl to bottom dwelling addict in less than a month. Career? Education? Family? Forgotten, so long as the next white line presented itself. Money disappeared, parting as it does from fools. Rent came due, and homelessness loomed.

Chloe figured that one out. She got them both jobs in a strip joint, first as waitresses, then as performers. They were a new circus sideshow act. "Hurry, hurry, hurry! Step right up to see the freaks! Naked lesbians, doing their thing right on stage before your very eyes!"

Sex stopped being passion, and began being a job. Chloe became a job as well, and a difficult one at that. They stayed together for survival, not desire. Chloe remained the party girl, and floated in and out with the tides. Sian was sure Chloe had had at least two outside affairs, at least one with a man. Sian couldn't prove it however; her only evidence was the new smell of Chloe's underwear. It didn't matter. They were cemented together. Sian and Chloe had been married in the Infernal Church of Cocaine, and there was no pope to grant an annulment.

Sian descended the stairs to talk with Sally. Sally had laid out a simple meal for the both of them, but to Sian it was a banquet. Sian ate ravenously.

"My it's good to see you after all this time, Sian," Sally said pleasantly. "So tell me all about what's been happening with you."

Of all the things to say. How could Sian possibly tell Sally of her situation? Yet she couldn't lie to an old friend, even if it was Sophie's mother. Especially because it was Sophie's mother. So, Sian tried her best to obfuscate and deflect. Unfortunately, Sally loved her wine, and offered it to Sian—just to be hospitable of course. After three or four glasses, the whole story came tumbling out. As Sian spoke more, Sally spoke less, and ultimately just sat dumbfounded. "Oh, Sian." was the best she could manage.

After dinner, Sally retired as quickly as she could. She told Sian to make herself at home, and that she'd be leaving early for work so they probably wouldn't see each other the next day. This suited Sian fine, since it would minimize any further emotional torsion. Sian went to bed early as well, hoping for respite from the oppressiveness of the day now over.

Sian awoke disoriented, with the room bright and the house quiet. It could be any time between sun up and late afternoon. Not to worry, her flight out wasn't until near midnight. She grabbed a robe, and sauntered down the stairs. She'd spend the day watching the television and raiding Sally's refrigerator. Sian plopped down on the couch, grabbed the remote, and started watching a random soap opera. It didn't really matter which one, they all had the same plot. After half an hour, she felt the need for a change. So she rolled over. Ambition—who needs it?

She looked up at the sound of a key in the front door. This was peculiar, as she didn't expect Sally back all day. She sat up, and of course Sophie walked in.

Sophie didn't recognize Sian at first. Sophie looked puzzled, then astounded. "What are you doing here?" was all she could stammer out.

"Hi, Sophie. Glad to see you, too." Sian replied.

They stared at one another for several seconds, their minds each unable to process the presence of the other. A mental denial of service attack, one upon the other. Eventually, Sophie's brain was able to generate documentation: "Sian, I don't know what to say."

"I don't know what to say either, Sophie. I really hadn't planned on seeing you. Your mother invited me to stay, and I could hardly say no."

"So you came back for my mother?"

"No, no. My father died, and the funeral was yesterday. Sally just gave me a place to stay overnight. I'm leaving on a late flight tonight."

Sian contemplated Sophie's appearance. Same brown hair, pulled back tightly off her face. She was of course, older, more mature. But she had grown leaner, and slightly more muscled. Harder. Or was that Sian projecting?

Another uncomfortable silence ensued. Eventually, Sophie said, "I'm sorry, I only stopped in for a bit to tell my mother I got back early. Say—why don't we get together with a bunch of us for lunch at the Rover's? I can call Ryan, and Rosie, and my mother. It'll be fun, even if only for an hour."

She turned to go. As she was walking out the door, Sophie turned back briefly. "And you can meet Maddie."

"Maddie? Is that your dog?"

Sophie replied, "Of course not! She's my girlfriend." With that, she left through the door, leaving Sian in confused wonderment.

Sian couldn't figure out a way to gracefully not show up. Why she cared about grace at this time puzzled her. Sophie hadn't shown any particular grace when she had left Sian at the altar. Yet others would be there, people she cared enough about to at least spend an hour reminiscing old times. Plus, she _had _to check out this Maddie person. There was no way to stay away.

Walking in to The Rover's pub was nerve racking, but there they all were in one big booth. Her old beau Ryan was there, Sally, Sophie's sister Rosie, Sophie, and a new girl. This must be Maddie. Pretty, not gorgeous. Petite. Guess Sophie was more of a Fem, rather than a Tomboy type. Somehow that made Sian feel better about herself.

Conversation was light all the way around. Reminiscence, not drama. And the Maddie girl was actually a delight. Witty yet gentle, despite a somewhat earthy vibe that she gave off. Sian couldn't help but like her. But Sophie didn't act totally absorbed by Maddie, as Sian had always thought Sophie acted toward her. Maybe it was because of the greater maturity of the two, compared to Sophie and Sian as teenagers. But maybe not.

After the food had been served and eaten, people began to drift away. Sally and Maddie returned to work. Ryan had to catch a train for work in the evening. This left Sophie, Sian and Rosie. Rosie gave some ridiculous excuse, and departed as if she were some skin tag on the body of the group dynamic. So Sophie and Sian were alone together, forced to face the past. Yet the group camaraderie had broken the walls of their discomfort. Or maybe it was the beer. Either way, it seemed like old times. Conversation flowed fast and easy, with laughter and joy at each other's thoughts. "This is bad," Sian thought. "This is very bad."

The years melted, disappearing in the sunshine of today's happiness. Sian could feel stirrings of the old longing, even knowing how badly it had turned out before. She remembered how Sophie had once filled her brain, and now Sophie was bubbling into her psyche again, like a warm spring in a cold lake. She looked into Sophie's eyes, saw a sparkle that couldn't be ignored. She knew this was leading to the edge of the abyss, but the abyss looked mighty inviting. She could feel it singing to her soul, Sirens calling her to her doom. Yet she had to go on. Her new life was soul-less, devoid of any real feeling. Cocaine had destroyed her interest in other people—or perhaps her lack of interest had invited the cocaine. No matter, she could feel her heart thawing, the warm remembrances from her teens breaking up the ice around her core. She wanted her old life back, wanted to love again. Wanted to love Sophie again.

The hour grew late, the light fading. Sian knew she had to get back to catch her red-eye flight, even though it was still hours away. Though maybe, maybe, the two might fill those hours in a more intimate way. "Walk me back to your mother's?" Sian asked.

"Oh sure, sure. No problem."

On the walk back, Sian began to feel a tingle, a slight increase in her heart rate. The tachycardia increased with every step. She wanted to grab Sophie and kiss her, as if they were seventeen again, but did nothing. She could feel her face flushing, and thought she saw the same in Sophie. As they arrived at Sally's door, they turned to look at one another for a moment. Sophie gave Sian a light goodbye kiss on the cheek. Sian responded with a full lipped, passionate embrace, the most unsubtle message in human language. They finally broke, both of them breathing heavily. Sian turned to open the door, thinking this was only the beginning, but when she turned back, Sophie was halfway to the end of the sidewalk. Sophie looked back, obviously in tears.

"I'll always love you, Sian," she said, "But I've made promises to Maddie." She turned around and walked away into the gloaming.

Sian was left alone. She turned back into the house, to face the darkness ahead of her.


	2. Chapter 2

"How hard can it be to plan a mission trip?" Sophie wondered as she walked toward her mother's house. "All you have to do is make sure that no two groups show up on the same day, but they couldn't even figure that out."

Sophie's plans had been cut short by someone else's error. Two groups at once had gotten scheduled for the mission, so it was "only fair" that she (and her group) should leave early, since they had already been working for a week at the mission school. As if it were a vacation! That's the problem with any volunteer organization, unfortunately. Arrangements were only as good as the dedication of the volunteer, and that could be variable. Oh well. Better tell her mother that she was back.

Sophie unlocked the door, and let herself inside. She saw someone on the couch, but…this didn't make sense, it wasn't her mother. Who in the world…no…is that Sian?

"What are you doing here?" was all Sophie could think to say.

"Hi, Sophie. Glad to see you, too." Sian replied.

Several seconds elapsed. Sophie's synapses were too overloaded for her to make any sense of what she was seeing. Time had somehow warped; the past had dropped itself into her mother's living room. "Sian, I don't know what to say."

"I don't know what to say either, Sophie. I really hadn't planned on seeing you. Your mother invited me to stay, and I could hardly say no."

"So you came back for my mother?"

"No, no. My father died, and the funeral was yesterday. Sally just gave me a place to stay overnight. I'm leaving on a late flight tonight."

None of this was making sense. Sophie looked at the girl on her couch, who bore a strong resemblance to her old lover, but had visibly changed. She had…shriveled. Same blond hair, same Northern accent, but where was the rest of her? She was a pale, skeletal, ghost image of her old self. "I'm sorry, I only stopped in for a bit to tell my mother I got back early."

The waif in front of Sophie looked cachectic, in need. In need of food. An idea occurred—why not kill two birds with one stone. "Say—why don't we get together with a bunch of us for lunch at the Rover's? I can call Ryan, and Rosie, and my mother. It'll be fun, even if only for an hour. And you can meet Maddie."

"Maddie? Is that your dog?"

Was this some kind of dig? Was Sian still that bitter after seven years? "Of course not! She's my girlfriend." Sophie walked out, not wanting to give this apparition any further chance to disturb her mind.

A surfer after falling off her board—that is what Sophie's psyche was like. Tumbling emotions, occasionally mixed with logical thoughts that were rapidly submerged by confusion. So what was going on here? First, that was indeed Sian, though dramatically thinner and paler. Why would that be? Oh no, maybe she was sick! And what if she was? She clearly wasn't coming back here, since she had a plane ticket out. So she obviously still despised Sophie.

Sophie began asking herself what her own feelings were for Sian now. She had thought about it as a love she had stored in the attic, collecting dust. Maybe her children would have found it someday and brought it downstairs to ask her about. Except now it was sitting in the front room again, wanting to be integrated into the emotional furniture of her daily life once more.

As Sophie walked home, she began again to feel her long buried pain. She had Maddie now, so past remembrances should be just that: remembrances. But they weren't just that. The feelings were still real, and if not raw, at least still palpable. Sophie did some busywork to at least set a foundation for her thought processes. She sent out a mass text to everybody she could think of, inviting them to lunch. She would have to talk to Maddie in person. She certainly wasn't looking forward to that.

Maddie was surprisingly calm. "Your ex is in town, and you want me to have lunch with her. Interesting. So do you want us to get down in the mud and start wrestling? We could sell tickets! It'd be great! 'Angry lesbian mud wrestling-No Holds Barred!' Just think of the money we could make!" She added, however, "No, don't worry, I'll come, and I'll be civil."

"It's not just that," Sophie replied. "She looks terrible, as if she has some dread disease. I'm kind of thinking she has AIDS."

"That's for men, not lesbians," Maddie asserted.

"Anyone can get it. It doesn't matter, she obviously doesn't want me back in her life. Who knows, maybe she's just on a diet."

"Sure, the 'Lesbian Returns Home Diet.'" Maddie retorted. " I've heard of that. Guaranteed to make you look pitiful so you can destroy your ex-girlfriend's new relationship."

"You said you'd be civil."

"Civil, not a saint."

Come lunch time, Sophie found herself with Maddie, her mother Sally, and her sister Rosie. She had invited Sian's old boyfriend Ryan as well, in hopes of further diffusing the angst away from Maddie. He eventually showed up, but stated he had to leave early to get to work. This all sat reasonably well with Sophie. They'd all have lunch, make small talk to pretend everybody was buddy-buddy, then go on their way, making snarky comments to themselves on the way back home. The pageant was all nicely scripted out, and propriety would be served. All of the characters were in place except the star of the show.

The group made small talk while they waited. Everybody was doing fine, everybody's family was fine, everybody's work was going fine, the weather was fine. Everybody's health was fine. This, however, steered the discussion to Sophie's fears about Sian's health. Sophie broached the subject, and the conversation suddenly hit a reef. Ryan and Sally looked down, like kids in class hoping they wouldn't get called on. After some probing, Ryan finally spoke up.

"Look, she's not sick, exactly. I haven't heard from her in a long while, so I don't really know. It's just that her girlfriend, Chloe, is not the healthiest person to have a relationship with. She's kind of the definition of bad influence. But like I said, I haven't heard from her for quite a while."

Sally was not known for her ability to keep secrets, especially when she could top someone else conversationally. "Not the healthiest! Well she's a downright Typhoid Mary as far as Sian's concerned! She got Sian mixed up with drugs and low-lifes in that third world cess pool they live in. I doubt if they even eat regularly. Not the healthiest indeed!"

Sian picked that moment to walk in. The group turned on their best false faces: "So happy to see you Sian! It's been so long Sian! So sorry about your father, Sian." This worked, however. The ice was broken, and conversation flowed. Maddie kept her word about being civil, and was even a bright spot, laughing and joking along with Sian when they both teased Sophie. This was the best that could be hoped for in this situation.

Eventually, however, lunch hour was up; Maddie and Sally were due at work, and Ryan left to catch a train to his job as well. Rosie, Sophie and Sian talked together, but after a while, it became apparent that Sophie and Sian were talking mostly to each other, not too unlike old times. Rosie found an excuse to exit, leaving Sophie alone with Sian.

Sophie was looking for it, but the old spark she knew from Sian was only a scant flicker of the past. Sophie tried everything to bring it back, laughing, teasing, smiling. It was only partially working, and finally she had to confront Sian about what had happened to her.

"Nothing happened to me. I'm not sick, so quit saying that." Sian stated semi-defensively.

"Sian, you're half the size you used to be—something's going on." Sophie replied.

"Nothing's going on. I just don't eat much, that's all."

"You went through lunch like you had been on bread and water for years."

"Well, I kinda' have been." Sian confessed. " Not much money left for more."

"I don't understand." Sophie replied

Indeed, Sophie didn't understand. Sian finally spilled the details of her new life, of the parties, the cocaine, the near homelessness, her degrading job.

"How could this happen?" Sophie thought. "How could I_ let_ this happen, to this girl I loved? Still love." Sophie realized that not only did she let it happen, she had made it happen. It was Sophie's actions at their erstwhile wedding, and Sophie's near betrayal that pushed Sian out of her old life. The guilt and pain came flooding back, actually worsened by the knowledge that Sophie now had Maddie, while Sian had someone who was essentially an anchor dragging her to the bottom of a swamp.

Sophie wanted to bring Sian home, to wrap her in love and safety. She wanted to take care of her and resurrect her, coddle her back life and humanity. And Sian did brighten, a little. Sian was definitely looking more directly at Sophie. Was she actually gazing into Sophie's eyes, as she used to do? It was very hard to tell, what with the sunken appearance of those eyes.

It was getting dark, and time to go. They got up, and Sophie paid, knowing now that Sian couldn't. "Walk me back to your mother's?" Sian asked.

"Oh sure, sure. No problem."

They walked and talked, just like the old days. Sophie had to strongly resist the urge to hold Sian's hand, as they used to do. She knew she was back in love with Sian, though the feeling had never truly left her. They arrived at Sally's, faced each other. She wanted Sian so badly, but knew she would never betray Maddie. She would never betray anyone ever again, seeing what had come of it. She gave Sian a light peck on the cheek to say goodbye.

Sian responded with the most passionate kiss Sophie had had in years. Sophie kissed her back, as lovingly as she knew how to do. But she couldn't do this, could never hurt Maddie as she had hurt Sian. Sian began to let herself into the house, and Sophie turned away, knowing that if she didn't leave quickly, now, she never would leave. Tears were streaming down her face, believing this was the last she would ever see Sian.

She looked back briefly, and noticed Sian staring back, looking like a dried flower as you were crushing it in your hand. "I'll always love you, Sian," she said, "But I've made promises to Maddie."

Sophie turned back and headed home, walking away from the love of her life.


	3. Chapter 3: Maddie

Days of Old, Long Since

Maddie

Walking back to the garment factory with Sally was a disconcerting experience for Maddie. She had kept her promise to be civil during lunch with Sophie's old girlfriend, but that didn't stop the feelings. As they walked, she inquired of Sally, "Why do you think Sophie brought me to lunch with her ex-girlfriend? Was she trying to tell me something?"

"No I don't think she was trying to tell you anything," Sally replied. "I think she was trying to head off problems. She couldn't very well have had lunch with Sian and not tell you."

"But why did she have lunch with her at all?"

"That's a little tougher to answer. She certainly didn't expect Sian to suddenly show up in my living room, so obviously she hadn't planned this. I guess she just had to take advantage of the opportunity to see Sian again."

This answer was definitely not what Maddie wanted to hear. What is the deal with this Sian? That was years ago! Sophie can't still be holding a torch for her… can she? "Sally, should I be worried?"

"Well, I don't know about these lesbian things. I can say that they were pretty hot and heavy for two years. You know, its kind of ironic—if they hadn't tried to get married, I doubt if they would ever have broken up."

Sally wasn't helping.

An oppressive cloud of gloom settled on Maddie for the rest of the afternoon. Sophie was everything to Maddie. It wasn't just that Maddie was deeply in love with Sophie, though she indeed was. It was closer to say that Sophie represented the only pillar of stability in the life Maddie had lead, a concrete buttress in a sea of driftwood. Maddie had essentially had only half of a parent to raise her, what with her crazy mother and absent father. Sophie had intentionally grabbed Maddie by the collar, and set her on the path of solid family life which Maddie desperately wanted. Now their life together was being threatened by an anorectic ghost of relationships past.

What had she done to deserve this? Maddie had done everything in her power to build her life with Sophie. The problem was that her powers were limited. No matter what, Maddie's past had taught her to never let anyone into her core, to always keep an untouchable reserve. Evidently, this Sian didn't have the same problem. Toward the end of lunch—just an hour!—this girl and Sophie seemed to have remade at least a small connection with each other's soul. Maddie would never be able to do this.

Maddie's dreams for the future were never huge, never some "Pretty Woman" fantasy of marrying a billionaire. She hadn't even _had_ dreams of the future until she started living with Sophie. Her life until then was survival for the day, physical and emotional. Today, though, she realized that her dreams had crystalized. She wanted a family, with children, a house of their own, Christmas and holidays together, birthdays and trips to the beach, and Sophie with her "until death do us part." Kind of a lesbian "Leave it to Beaver" thing. She had to do something to drive this Sian out of Sophie's mind, maybe something desperate. She just didn't know what it was.

She decided a romantic evening alone with Sophie was just the thing, at least to get the ball rolling. She would then lay out her hopes and dreams with Sophie. She'd dress her best, cook a romantic dinner, candlelight, soft music, the whole works—June Cleaver would be proud. Sophie didn't get home until much later than Maddie, so time shouldn't be an issue.

How to begin? She had nothing to really dress up with, having never thought about it before. Despite Sally's previous uselessness, she knew Sophie better than anyone else in the world. Maddie approached her later in the afternoon for any suggestions.

"Oh, I know what we'll do." Sally said brightly. "There's a lot of stuff in Rosie's closet that she didn't take with her. You'll just stop by after work, pick something out, and voila!"

This was promising. Rosie could be flamboyant, but there ought to be something that would suit the evening. Damn. These were the kind of things lesbians weren't supposed to have to worry about.

Later that day, Maddie and Sally were together in Rosie's old room, trying out some of the "Rosie Collection" to see if it would suit. Maddie had tried on the classic little black dress, but it hung like a gunny sack from Maddie's chest.

"I guess Rosie was a little more full figured than you are." Sally commented flatly. "We'll have to see what else is in here." Sally sorted through the clothing, and at last emerged with something that she felt would fit Maddie.

"Try this on, we'll see how it looks."

Maddie changed into the dress which Sally had given her. She couldn't ever recall having worn a dress, and felt ridiculous. It fit perfectly, however.

"See, that's much better. Fits like a glove!" Sally said.

"Yeah, it does. The style seems a bit…well, juvenile, don't you think?"

"Well, Rosie wore this when she was twelve. But its the only thing that looks at all decent that will fit you."

Great. Well, its better than nothing Maddie thought. She thanked Sally for her help, and started to leave. At the door, Sally stopped her.

"Oh wait a minute, you'll want some wine to smooth the evening with." Sally came running over with a box of Franzia Red. "This'll make things go easier."

"Uh, thanks Sally," was all Maddie could reply.

Back home, Maddie had only about an hour to get ready. She found the only two candlesticks they owned. One was a clear glass cube with a central hole to plug the candle into, the other was a ridiculous ornate plastic thing which appeared to have escaped from a Dungeons and Dragons Complete Game Set. She set these out with a sigh, then looked in the cupboard to see what elegant meal she could whip up. After a few minutes, she realized the best she could make was Mac'n'Cheese from the old dark blue box. She sat herself down on a kitchen chair, flummoxed and depressed.

She thought to herself, "This is total cluster. I'm sure nothing will impress Sophie more about how I want to start a family than to come home, see me dressed like a primary school kid, serving up some plastic noodle dish, lit by Contemporary Dumpster Diving decor."

Maddie went into the bedroom and changed out of the schoolgirl costume. She put on her nicest shirt, and her best jeans. These had the distinct advantage of being absolutely skin tight, almost painted on. This should give Sophie a hint. She called up the take-away place, and ordered Sophie's favorite. They would actually deliver in about 20 minutes, which would be perfect timing. She set the table nicely, with actual cloth napkins, and threw away the D&D candle. She decanted two glasses of wine, setting these near to the door so she could greet Sophie with them. The box went into the refrigerator. Since Sophie was no connoisseur, this would work perfectly. Dinner arrived, and she arranged it on the table as artfully as she could. She lit the candle, dimmed the lights, started some music playing softly, then sat down just as Sophie walked in.

"What's going on?" Sophie exclaimed as she entered.

"Hiya, Love." Maddie replied, carrying both glasses of wine and offering one to Sophie. "Just a little alone time, you and me. I have a special dinner for you."

"Not Mac'n'Cheese again, is it?"

"No, of course not! I ordered out."

"Oh all right. Say, you look nice. What's the occasion?"

"I just thought we needed to spend a night concentrating on each other, maybe talking about us."

"Us?"

"Yeah."

They sat down, and began eating, managing to make some small talk between bites. Eventually, Maddie came to the point. "Soph, I've thought about this a lot, and I think now we have to discuss it together. I want to start a family."

"You mean, you & me?" Sophie questioned.

"Of course you and me! Who else could there be?"

Sophie sat quietly for a while, clearly thinking what this all meant. She shook her head slightly, rubbed her face with her hand and brushed her hair back.

"What are you thinking?" Maddie inquired.

"I'm thinking this means I have to be an adult now, and that hadn't occurred to me before."

They sat silently, each staring blindly into space in the general direction of the other. Finally, Sophie spoke up. "I think we should get married first. And I don't want a big wedding. That didn't work out well for me before. Just our parents and our brothers and my sister. And no shotgun wedding—we're waiting until after the ceremony to start on the baby. Wow. The baby. Our baby."

Maddie smiled the biggest smile she had ever smiled in her life. "I love you Sophie," she said softly.

"I know," replied Sophie.

Wedding plans are hard work, even if you have done it before. The date was arranged for only three months into the future, even allowing for the small size. No minister this time, no church, but wedding clothing had to be fitted nonetheless. Maddie absolutely refused to wear a flouncy wedding gown. They had considered tuxedos, but this didn't suit either one. In the end, they settled on well designed pant suits, which seemed to fit with both of their styles. The cake was arranged, but flowers just didn't seem to fit. Only the location was the sticking point, as virtually every suitable space they could afford was booked up. Ultimately, they decided that a conference room in an upscale hotel would work, and the reception could be in the same spot.

Fate, however, makes other plans while we are busy arranging our lives. Two weeks before the event, Sophie received a phone call, which changed her world.

"Sophie, this is Sian," came a distressed, croaky voice over the airwaves. "I'm in real trouble, and I haven't got anywhere else to turn. I'm feeling really bad, but I don't have enough money to pay the rent, let alone get a doctor. I was hoping you could loan me enough money to fly back home so I could go to the NHS."

"What about Chloe?"

"I haven't seen her for more than two days since I got back. My mother won't answer my texts, and I'm desperate. Can you help me at all?"

"Wow, gees, alright Sian. I'll buy the ticket on-line, and you can just show up at the airport. When do you want to leave?"

"It really has to be tomorrow. Can you do that?" Sian again inquired hopefully.

"Wow, that'll cost a bunch. Really, tomorrow?"

"Yeah, there's no other choice. And Sophie, can you pick me up at Heathrow?"

"What do you need me for? Can't you just take a taxi or a shuttle like you did before?"

"No, I really need you."

"Fine, I'll see you at the baggage claim," Sophie responded, then rang off.

The next day, Sophie showed up at the Heathrow baggage claim, just as she promised. She found Sian's suitcase slowly making the rounds on its own. She recognized it from when Sian had lived with her. Sophie thought it odd that Sian had never gotten a new one after all this time. Sophie pulled it off of the carousel, amazed at how light it was. Sian had always packed everything she owned whenever she left before. Curiouser and curiouser.

Sian wasn't making her appearance, which was more than a bit annoying. Sophie checked the arrivals kiosk, thinking possibly Sian's luggage had taken a different flight than Sian had somehow. It had happened before. No, Sian's flight was supposed to have arrived nearly an hour before. Something wasn't right. Sophie checked with the information desk to see if they had any idea of what was happening.

A message had been left for Sophie, telling her Sian was waiting at the next carousel. More and more puzzling. A skycap pushing a little old lady in a wheelchair were the only other people at the carousel. After looking around a bit more, Sophie realized that the little old lady…. was actually Sian. She looked hideous. Her eyes were yellow and sunken, her skin the color of extra virgin olive oil. Her belly appeared to be bloated like a beach ball. If it hadn't been for the blond hair, one would never have known she was the girl to whom Sophie had devoted her teenage years.

"Sian! What happened?" Sophie cried out unintentionally.

The figure in the wheelchair stirred, looking vacuously around her. She fixated on Sophie, but clearly didn't recognize her. The skycap asked, "Do you know this girl? She's been getting worse and worse since the flight took off. She stopped saying anything about fifteen minutes ago."

Sian began to croak, then finally formed up a few barely discernible words. "Sophie. I'm just so tired."

Sophie was nearly panic stricken. This couldn't possibly be happening. "Why didn't you call an ambulance?" she demanded of the skycap.

"We were about to, but then we heard you were here, so we waited."

"Well call one now! Oh I can't believe this!"

Sophie rode with Sian in the ambulance to the hospital. There, Sian was whisked into the deep bowels of the emergency department, leaving Sophie alone in the waiting room. She called her parents, then Maddie, asking them to come and join her until something more was known. As always, the wait was interminable. Maddie arrived after an hour, but her parents were apparently delayed.

Eventually, the doctor came out to speak with Sophie. "I'm afraid its very bad news. She has severe liver failure, likely due to a fulminant form of hepatitis, or possibly a severe acetaminophen overdose. At this stage, her liver isn't really functioning at all. Her only hope of survival is an emergency liver transplant, but I don't think she would survive the surgery."

"She's dying?! How long has she got?"

"I think today, maybe tomorrow at the longest. I'm so sorry."

Sophie broke down, crying uncontrollably. Maddie tried to console her, but Maddie's own emotions were roiling as well. Fate was removing a rival from this life, but would it actually remove her from Sophie's heart? Even then, Maddie was getting the distinct feeling of being the second choice, the fall back position. It didn't look like this would ever change, with or without a family. Maddie could feel the floor falling out from under her.

Sophie finally managed an intelligible sentence. "Can I see her?" she asked.

The doctor responded, "No problem, just don't expect too much from her. Ammonia builds up when the liver doesn't work, causing the brain not to function well."

Sophie and Maddie were ushered down the hall into intensive care, and then into Sian's space. Sophie sat down next to her, with Maddie maintaining a slight distance.

"Sian, can you hear me?" Sophie asked softly. Sian slowly turned her head toward Sophie, but stared vacantly past her.

"Sian, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I don't know if I can take you leaving me again. Please forgive me, Sian. Just say you love me."

Sian made no response. After a time, her eyes rolled slowly back, partially closed. Her breathing became slowly more erratic, labored. Sophie ran for the nurse who rushed in, then in a deliberate fashion assessed the situation, checking Sian's lungs and heart sounds.

The nurse said gravely, quietly, "It won't be long now. Just hold her hand, she'll know you're here." She turned a left the room. Sophie began to cry harder. She grabbed Sian's hand, clung to it tightly. She held on as tightly as her strength allowed, as if squeezing Sian's hand would somehow force life back into the rest of her body.

"Don't leave me Sian, don't leave me. I love you, Sian. Stay with me." Sophie whimpered desperately. After a time, Sian's breathing became shallower, then finally ceased altogether. The ECG machine beeped, summoning the nurse, who turned it off and recorded the time. The nurse gently guided Sophie and Maddie out of the room, and back toward the waiting room.

In the waiting room, Sophie wept uncontrollably. Maddie tried to console her, but found she had no consolation to give. Maddie knew she was a bystander, but that was the whole problem. Maddie would always be the bystander, not the center of Sophie's life. At a time like this, she knew she shouldn't be thinking about herself, but she couldn't help it. She hadn't known this Sian for more than an hour, and couldn't really work up more than a perfunctory sorrow. Yet Sian still commanded Sophie's heart, and Maddie realized that would never change, even in death.

This was the end Maddie realized. Sophie had been physically faithful, had never strayed. But she had betrayed Maddie nonetheless, and Maddie couldn't go on. Maddie couldn't compete with the memory of Sian before, and certainly wouldn't be able to compete with her ghost now. Maddie would have to leave Sophie, and find a new life. She wouldn't tell Sophie now, in her time of severe grief, but they would never sleep in the same house again.

Sophie's parents arrived, and did their best to sooth Sophie. Maddie slowly slipped out into the night.

She would never return.


End file.
